When you hear Jill Scott’s song When I Wake Up, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7XyBz1FFQg, it does something to your soul. This song speaks to apart of my transformation that deals with self-love and believing in me despite others opinion of me and my life. I dealt with a series of insignificant relationships for a number of years with a false belief that they would eventually go somewhere notwithstanding the obvious signs of staleness that lead to a dead-end time and again. I thought that my light would eventually shine bright enough and they would see me and appreciate all of me.
After experiencing a few heartbreaking realizations back-to-back I started to Wake Up. I started to question my own state of mind instead of making excuses for theirs. I started to appreciate my light and power instead of forcing others to see it. I started to look in the mirror and say, “GIRL!” I subconsciously made a decision to be the happiest me that I could possibly be. I was in the best shape of my life and it was an eventful year full of weddings and celebrations so I was surrounded by love and joy.
When you make decisions, consciously or subconsciously, a test will come to see if you are going to stand on that decision or back down and end up right back in the same cycle of self-doubt. Something had finally clicked in me and I decided that I was not going back no matter what. I loved me to much to have to force others to love me.
I remember this day like it was a week ago. A beautiful sunny fall day filled with endless possibilities and I received two phone calls. One from a loser and one from a friend. The first call was my test, the young brother asking me to hang with him despite canceling on me last-minute a few days earlier. My response, a new transformed me, declined with explanation. Enough was enough. I let him know that I knew he would never love or care for me the way I wanted to be loved and cared for and I was merely a convenience. Our interactions had turned me into someone I did not want for me and I refused to continue to lose me for someone else’s convenience.
Sometimes things take time but sometimes the turn around is quick. The second call followed immediately after and asked if my friends and I wanted to come hang out with a friend and his wife at their new house. I immediately said yes and gathered my crew for the trip out to the beltway. What started off as a quiet get together, immediately transformed into the night that changed my life. After being there for a few minutes, my friend’s best male friends walk in, including my now husband, and the rest becomes history.
He saw something in me that I wanted everyone else to see for so long. I did not have to convince him or drag him along, it was just different. When I loved myself the most is when I found the one who could love me more. The power of self-love blooms in various ways in our lives, but mine happened to turn into meeting the love of my life. If there is something holding you back from appreciating all of you, let it go, whether it is internal or external. Be you. Do you. Tell your story. On your own terms.