Shaming Victims Empowers Abusers

Today was an emotional day for all of the wrong reasons.  I caught wind of some statements made by Stephen A. Smith on his show First Take.  He and his co-host were covering the 2 game suspension of Ray Rice due to his highly publicized domestic violence incident with his wife. Despite very few people knowing the exact details of what occurred in the elevator, Mr. Smith decided to glide into the discussion of domestic violence.  His statements have been transcribed and the two-minute clip is easily accessible.

The words that hit me in my gut were “let’s make sure we don’t do anything to provoke wrong actions” and “And I think that just talking about what guys shouldn’t do, we got to also make sure that you can do your part to do whatever you can do to make, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen.” followed by  “we also have to make sure that we learn as much as we can about elements of provocation. “Not that there’s real provocation, but the elements of provocation, you got to make sure that you address them, because we’ve got to do is do what we can to try to prevent the situation from happening in any way.”

I immediately read the entire transcript of his statements again.  I stopped to think about what I just read and decided that there was no way this man could have said these words on national television, so I read the transcript a third, fourth and fifth time.  I wanted to be clear about what was said, the context in which his words were used and to affirm any disbelief that I had of these words being used against victims of domestic violence.

I am not here to discuss the scenario that these comments stemmed from or to discuss how many women “provoke” men to hit them.  I am here to simply say that these types of statements, made by powerful people with platforms, based on extremely complicated & damaging situations are overly simplified.  They are overly simplified by dismissing the severity of a man hitting, punching, slapping, grabbing, shaking, pushing or verbally abusing a woman.  It not only shames victims, but it empowers the abuser.  Everyone is clear on the old saying, keep your hands to yourself, but no one has the right to dismiss a persons uncontrolled temper as simply actions that were caused by someone provoking them.

I shared a piece of my own story of watching my mother being abused as a 2 year old and it took me to a place of pain, because I know a man who used to say that she provoked him.  That something as simple as not speaking loud enough, looking away from him or not being where he wanted you to be, when he wanted you to be there was what provoked him to leave a boot print in her back.  So when a man says that you should not provoke a man to abuse you, I ask how.  How can a woman not provoke a man who has already resolved to abusing her? To controlling her? To making sure she knows her place in this world and in his house? How can she avoid the abuse when she is not working and has children to feed? How can she avoid the abuse when she does not have any transportation to flee from her abuser? How can she stop the abuse when everyone around her is in denial and refuses to help her?

My own story is not one that I share alone, but one that was echoed by many women over my timeline.  This story was shared by men and the abuse their mothers endured.  Domestic violence has left many women dead.  Domestic violence has left many children motherless.  Domestic violence has damaged many people’s self-esteem, life and livelihood.  Domestic violence is not a casual conversation to be governed by a PSA from a sports newscaster.  Domestic violence is not a topic that can be simplified and a general band-aid placed on for your comfort.  Domestic violence is real.

As we speak women are enduring the abuse of a man.  As we speak someone is being murdered for attempting to leave their abuser.  As we speak the search for an abuser who left a child alone while he killed their mother is happening.  Everyday.  We hear the same story over and over, but somehow we come right back to pointing fingers at the victim.  She created this problem.  She stayed.  She is dumb.  She should have known.  She, the victim is not worthy of our empathy because clearly she provoked him.

I want to go so much deeper into my own story, but to wade in those very dark waters would take me to a place I am not ready to go to.  To all of the men that decided that verbally abusing me on Twitter would convince me that all women provoke men, know that I am unbothered and will not waver in standing up for victims of domestic violence.  If you know me, than you know I do not play.  If you do not know me, come for me when I did not send for you on a topic that is too real to me, and you will find out quickly that you cannot stand toe to toe with me on a topic I have experienced and can back up with numbers.

This is the beginning of a deeper conversation.  One that many of us are afraid to have because although the wounds are not visible, for many, they still remain.  To those who have endured abuse, survived abuse, know someone who may have even died, I pray for you and know that you cannot be silenced.

If you are a victim, you should not be ashamed.  Shame on your abuser. Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.




2 thoughts on “Shaming Victims Empowers Abusers

  1. I guess I sort of understand what I think he was trying to say, even though it didn’t come out that way. Witnessing a woman verbally and physically abuse a man, to the point where he wouldn’t (or couldn’t?) leave her, because he believed the woman would get custody of their children…and then witnessing that man allow that woman to similarly abuse his children to the point where he would say to his children “please don’t get her upset, because then she’ll be mad at me, too” left the children…torn. Left the children untrusting of BOTH parents. Not so much, why doesn’t he attack back, when he arguably physically and verbally could, by why doesn’t he leave her? Why do the children have to deal with this? Shouldn’t the “man” be strong enough to escape this situation?

    Then as a male child growing up in such a household, feeling why do “I” now have to take this? Understanding that a man (or boy?) should never hit a woman (or girl?), but now as a teenager, who can fight back, should he not? What does he do?

    • I think in the right context, his statements would have been well received but outside of the right context they were dangerous and hurtful. Being raised in that type of household brings about very conflicting emotions and thoughts, while in it and after you are far removed from it. Those feelings and thoughts never leave you. When I was in undergrad I had so much displaced anger that I was a dangerous person. I felt that I always had to defend myself and my honor at all times and NO ONE was going to disrespect me. I had to see myself through other people’s eyes and realized that I needed counseling. I went two separate times and really talked through and worked through so many of those issues and questions that lingered from my past. Sometimes you need that to help you understand the psychological impact and take lessons from that time and move forward.

      Honestly, I have had some very vile thoughts when I was stuck in the abuse and considered doing things to get out of the abuse. I was able to share with someone who I trusted who removed me from the situation temporarily and it helped me calm down and prepare to continue dealing with it. It was hard balancing my home stress and school and being a teenager. I learned to stop blaming or even making excuses for anyone because that is not my job.

      Thank you for sharing. Share as much as you need or hit me up privately. I know how real it can be inside and outside of the situation.

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