I’m Lost

I have been so silent because what was once clear is now not so clear.  I thought I knew why I was in Houston and how things were going to go over the next few months, but nothing seems to be going that way, so I am simply observing.  I am the woman with the master plan. I do things because they make sense and I can see the bigger picture.  That is who I say that I am, who I think I am, who I want to be.  But in reality I am simply apart of a bigger story I have no control over.

It is very difficult to balance planning and being prepared for anything versus being free-spirited and open to everything.  You need some of both, but too much of one can lead to unwanted outcomes and unnecessary guilt.  I am searching for balance.  I am here in Houston without my husband, so my schedule revolves around my child and his needs.  Although that has given me some structure, my evenings are no longer periods of free time to think, plan, and execute, but one that involves a solid routine for my son’s sake.   We get up early, grind all day, get home and I look up and 10:00 pm has rolled around.

I am trying to find my balance.  Trying to balance working full-time and wanting to start my own business.  Trying to balance being a dreamer and being realistic.  Trying to balance being necessarily selfish and gifting my time to various ventures.  Trying to balance advocacy and not being an enabler.  Trying to balance finances and ensuring that opportunities do not pass us by.  There is a struggle between all of these worlds all at the same time.  I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions, but I have to move forward no matter what.

My only solution is to pray harder, meditate more, release any feelings of guilt and uncertainty and embrace my journey.  Life is not a well written movie with a perfect ending, but an experience riddled with ups, downs, and unexpected joy and sadness.  I do not know what is next, but I am going to enjoy the present.  I am here now, hear me roar.  There is no going back.

I am lost, not looking to be found and misguided but looking to find my way with help from the universe.  Keeping my energy positive and free of fear.  Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.


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