Shifted Energy

I started off 2015 with a very sound routine.  I would wake up early, use my prayer beads to meditate and pray, listen to NPR or a podcast and absorb some new information.  Then I would do a quick social media scan and start my day.  When I started my mornings this way, my life and day seemed to go a lot better.  I was balanced and focused on the task ahead.  I found a morning ritual that would work for me and I loved it.

When I started this routine, I did not have my son here at the time.  It was very easy to do when I was alone, but once I brought him home I slept less, woke up later, and could never find a rhythm.  I did not try hard enough to get back focused and disciplined, so my ritual fell to the wayside.  I allowed myself to be swept away from the very thing I knew that I needed, a morning ritual. Discipline.  Structure.  Consistency.   As I started to get off kilter, things at work began to also veer far from where I wanted it to be and I could barely handle it.  My patient care never suffered, but my professional interpersonal relationships did.

I usually voice my opinion face to face and allow the other person an opportunity to reconcile at that moment, but this particular time I decided to send an email in the heat of my fury and waged war on a few people.  This very direct discussion spread quickly to those who were not directly involved, and a phone call was made to me that solidified my desires to part ways with this company.  Although I made the decision to find employment elsewhere, I did not let go of how that person made me feel.  I carried that weight around with me, and that on top of recurring issues in the workplace shifted my energy negatively.

I have not been centered since receiving that phone call.  The unbalanced way in which I operated meant that I was easily thrown off even when I thought I was prepared for battle.  Small issues became major issues because my vision was skewed towards this negative energy that I allowed into my life.  I never released that moment to then reflect, grow, or correct the other party involved.  I received the negativity and held on to it for too long.

I was so focused on that moment that I could not see the bigger picture.  I had to be forced by God to take a step back and understand that our ways are not His ways and our thoughts are not His thoughts.  Although I thought I was going to be in a place for a longer season, He has a plan that is greater than the eye can see.  I am able to be so open and reflective, because God is not allowing me to wallow in my mess but forcing me to go through it and step out of it without any traces of residue or damage to who I am and where I am going.

This was simply a pit stop to a higher place, but I almost missed out on my blessing because my energy was jacked up.  I was walking along the balance beam and faltering, but I never got off.  When life has hit me time and again, I have stumbled, fallen, and been hurt in the process, but I never got off.  The road to success is not wide, it is not straight, and it is not easy.  You have to believe that everything will work together for your good.

I know that everything is working together because in a matter of days I have been blessed beyond anything I could have ever asked for or imagined.  You have to walk along your own path, centered and balanced as you move towards your goal.  Your energy is what attracts your blessing.  Never allow a moment or man to shift your energy so far that you are off balanced and distracted from your path ahead.

Stay focused. Be grateful.  Positive energy.  Balanced.  Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.

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This Little Light of Mine

When I was going through a huge moment of spiritual growth, I began to learn about the inner light.  The inner light is the glow of your spirit that shines even when you do not speak, illuminates a dark situation, and radiates and attracts people to you in ways you cannot understand.  That light can be so powerful that it attracts great things, but at times it can attract people or situations that want to steal or dim your light.  Your light is your power.

I always loved people and being around people, but learning about my inner light allowed me to permeate into the lives of strangers without them even realizing that they let me in so quickly and so deeply.  As a healthcare provider, it puts families and patients at ease when they are in your care, your colleagues trust you, and you leave an impression no matter how long or how short you are in a place.  Your light is your power.

It is hard to put in words how I discovered my light, but once I understood it, embraced it, and used it naturally, I had to learn quickly that I had to protect my light.  Light does not only attack good things, but it also attracts negative things and people.  I went through a rough period where it seemed that life was trying to dim my light.  It was one bad situation after another bad situation, and yet even if it dimmed for a minute, I centered myself and allowed my light to shine through my situation. Your light is your power.

I have interacted with people who have tried to dim or turn out my light, but I learned how to detach from those who sought to snuff out my light and recognize those characteristics early.  Many times it is hard to detach, because the light thieves are the ones who should be protecting your light or teaching you how to protect your light.  Relationships, jobs, and financial situations can all come as darkness and overshadow your light, but when you know your power, purpose, and position you remove those things or you remove yourself from those situations to ensure that your light is always illuminating at its full capacity.  Your light is your power.

I have met some of the most amazing people in the past 3 months.  I have reconnected with many amazing people I met growing up and all that remains between us all is that they don’t overshadow or attempt to steal my light, and their light is shining just as brightly as mine.  The power of presence is within your light.  Everyone has a light.  How brightly you allow it to shine is up to you.  What you put out in life will always return.  Light will produce light.  Darkness will produce darkness.  Enhance your light by putting out light.  Protect your light by disengaging with darkness.  Your light is your power.

This little light of mine.  I am letting it shine.  My light is my power.  Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.

Jealousy and Envy

Daddy issues. Mommy issues. Color issues. Self-Image issues. Body image issues.  Inferiority complexes.  All of these things spew out of our hearts with disdain for others, when in reality we are jealous and envious of what they may have.  I used to see people with their parents and hate the way they took them for granted.  I would think, “If that was my mom, I would…” or “If that was my dad, I would…”  I hated myself for not having those relationships, and I disliked others who did not understand how great they had it.  There are many people who have Daddy Issues, a lot of people who have Mommy Issues, and then the smaller group of us who have both.  The concept of being parentless is so painful and exclusionary at times.  You feel that you do not have an anchor or a home base, because you are not connected to at least one of the people who brought you into this world.

I pitied myself and self-loathed for being a sort of orphan and wore my wounds externally.  I constantly poured salt into my own wounds and made sure that my pain was visible.  I carried myself as a victim of circumstance and clung to the concept of being different for all of the wrong reasons.  All of this boiled down to being jealous and envious of people for reasons they could not control.

Rehashing this sounds so silly, but as a child that longed for connection, it was my reality.  Although I did not battle long with my color issues because I went to a HBCU where I was surrounded by multicultural and multicolored beauty, I did look in the mirror and tear myself apart.  I longed for a sense of perfection that made me say, “You are not pretty enough,” “You are not tall enough,” “You are not short enough,” “You are not skinny enough,” “You are not thick enough,” “Your hair is too short,” “Your face is too round,” and it played out in times of failure as if any of those things were connected to my outcomes.  I look back now and long for my college physique, but at that time I felt that certain aspects of me kept me from achieving my goals.

I am not sure where my epiphany came, but I remember getting into a friend’s car my Sophomore year and she said that I looked different, prettier, happier even.  My inner self had changed and I had accepted me for who I was and that allowed my inner beauty to enhance my outer beauty.  Prior to this moment, I had failed to realize that my self-doubt and criticism of irrelevant things were the only thing keeping me from achieving my goals.  I had nothing to lose, but my personal, self-imposed chains.  The freedom that came with acceptance allowed me to change my energy and attract light with light.  I no longer yearned for what I did not have, but I highlighted my strengths and let them overshadow my weaknesses.

Life is a learning process and it takes time to become the best us.  There is always a better version of us waiting to be tapped into.  The depth and complexity of who I longed to be was tied to many things, but released by the power of love.  I had to love myself enough to know that I was more than enough today, and will be more than enough tomorrow.  I appreciate my experiences more, because I am able to connect with those who may be going through a similar situation.  I can now give hope to those who may feel that the lack of something is a stumbling block, when in reality it can be used as a stepping stone.

Jealousy and envy is more than just wanting someones lifestyle or material items, it can go deeper than that.  The desire to have what someone else has or had will not bring those things to you, but accepting your circumstance will allow those voids to be filled with the things that you need.

You will not get what you want, but you will get what you give.  Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.

Topic Tuesday: Therapy

I have shared many times before that I went to therapy while in undergrad and it was a life altering experience.  Honestly I wish I had received some type of therapy right after graduating from undergrad, while in law school, after law school, before we got married, and I wish that I was receiving some right now.  Therapy is not a bandaid or a sole solution to any problem, but a process that helps you categorize and properly place experiences in a comfortable place in your mind.  Many times we overemphasize a situation in our life that may hold little value or minimize a situation that needs to be held in a different light.  Therapy helps you step outside of your silo and see how each experience has played a role in your life without judgment and external pressure.

I am so open about my experience because I truly believe therapy saved my life.  My anger sent me on a destructive path and caused me to mistake realness with being hurtful and mean.  Much of my anger was displaced and targeted people who had characteristics of the person who hurt me the most.  My coping strategies were ineffective and unhealthy.  I found myself in a cyclical process that I wanted to escape from, but I did not know how to reach the exit.

During my assessment for clinical services the director interviewed me and asked me one question, “Tell me about your parents.”  I immediately began to sob and cry.  I could not formulate my thoughts or my words.  She looked at me, looked down at the paper and agreed that I needed services.  I walked out of the building in disbelief.  This woman broke me down in less than 5 seconds.  I was fragile and broken.  I needed more help than simply believing that everything would get better.  My sanity required more than someone to listen to me, but someone to help me.

I have always been very open and honest so I told all of my friends that I was in therapy and they were happy for me.  Over time they started to see the changes in me and that encouraged me to continue with the process even when I felt that I no longer needed help.  I knew that being in that building held a stigma, but my future could not be derailed because of the fear of being judged.  I do not know where I would be if I never took the final step to seek help.  I do not even want to think of where I could have ended up.

I want everyone to know that there is someone qualified to listen and help you organize your thoughts and emotions.  Life is hard and will never be without bumps.  We have to accept that life will come and we need effective coping methods to properly deal with those overwhelming things.  Although I had two amazing experiences while at Howard, I had a not so great one when my husband and I went to sort through our issues.  Despite her failings, I know that there are some amazing therapist out there who will help us refocus our perspective.  Do not let one experience define your future in obtaining the things that you need.

We need more than coaching, we need therapy.  Take a moment and find time.  Get a referral and follow through with an appointment.  Get the help you need. Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms. #BeExcellent

Follow Through to the End

I have started so many amazing projects and allowed my focus on them to fizzle out. I picked up new projects and explored new ideas before I completed my other ones. I know that I don’t have the time or money to finish all of them, so I am going to sit back down, map out my projects, and decide what I can devote my time to. This is such a hard task for me because a new idea pops up and I am behind it until I start to hit roadblocks. Such is life. But that is no longer going to be my story.

I learn through my mistakes and I try to avoid those pitfalls the next time I encounter the same or a similar situation. Yesterday I could not sleep because I was energized to work on a project. I have been piddling around with this project for years, and I know that once I get the structure in place, it will all make sense. As I started working I realized that I was doing it again. I was picking up one project when I have so many other pertinent ones that need to be focused on today.

So, I am going to prioritize all of my projects and the steps that I can work on for each. I am going to follow through. I have completed many things, but I keep reaching a limit that is self-imposed. I am going to start my days by saying, “There is nothing that I can do. Stay focused. Follow through to the end.” Sometimes you simply have to motivate yourself and keep yourself focused. I hope that everyone can see the greatness within themselves and will take the limits off of their dreams and desires.

Be blessed. Be excellent. Follow through. Be you. Do you. Tell your own story. On your own story. On your own terms.

Trust Me

I woke up Sunday morning feeling my life had completely spiraled out of control. The job I moved here for is not working out as expected, I’m struggling to find balance to sit down and study for the Bar, and my son misses his father so much that I feel guilty for moving here before everything was perfect. Then I watched the Inevitable Defeat of Mister and Pete and I cried.

I cried because I am trying to give my son more than what I had, keep him safe, and ensure he has the opportunities that he deserves. I cried because I have been in a position where I had to fend for myself and figure life out without my parents. I cried because although that is my story, I had amazing support from so many people who remain in my life to this day.

In life we go through periods of time where our faith is tested. We endure hardships to see how much we can live what we talk. Being a child of God is not just a title, but an example to the world. We have to show that we are conquerers, victorious, and over comers. We can’t speak these words, and fall apart in moments of adversity.

So I prayed and God said, “Trust me.” I can trust Him and learn or run from this uncertainty and end up right back here in a few months. I am standing on everything that I believe and speak over other people’s life. My life is greater than this one moment. My faith will carry me through this time and I will have a story to tell.

This is a faith walk. No one said it would be easy. Be you. Do you. Tell your own story. On your own terms.

I’m Lost

I have been so silent because what was once clear is now not so clear.  I thought I knew why I was in Houston and how things were going to go over the next few months, but nothing seems to be going that way, so I am simply observing.  I am the woman with the master plan. I do things because they make sense and I can see the bigger picture.  That is who I say that I am, who I think I am, who I want to be.  But in reality I am simply apart of a bigger story I have no control over.

It is very difficult to balance planning and being prepared for anything versus being free-spirited and open to everything.  You need some of both, but too much of one can lead to unwanted outcomes and unnecessary guilt.  I am searching for balance.  I am here in Houston without my husband, so my schedule revolves around my child and his needs.  Although that has given me some structure, my evenings are no longer periods of free time to think, plan, and execute, but one that involves a solid routine for my son’s sake.   We get up early, grind all day, get home and I look up and 10:00 pm has rolled around.

I am trying to find my balance.  Trying to balance working full-time and wanting to start my own business.  Trying to balance being a dreamer and being realistic.  Trying to balance being necessarily selfish and gifting my time to various ventures.  Trying to balance advocacy and not being an enabler.  Trying to balance finances and ensuring that opportunities do not pass us by.  There is a struggle between all of these worlds all at the same time.  I feel like I am being pulled in so many different directions, but I have to move forward no matter what.

My only solution is to pray harder, meditate more, release any feelings of guilt and uncertainty and embrace my journey.  Life is not a well written movie with a perfect ending, but an experience riddled with ups, downs, and unexpected joy and sadness.  I do not know what is next, but I am going to enjoy the present.  I am here now, hear me roar.  There is no going back.

I am lost, not looking to be found and misguided but looking to find my way with help from the universe.  Keeping my energy positive and free of fear.  Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.

The Fork in the Road

Many times we say that we want to change, but our actions continue to contradict our words.  We ask for wisdom, guidance, and second chances, but with all of those things we still go against what we know may be best for us.  After getting tired of being in the same place every year, I decided that I had to do something different.  I began to work on my character flaws one by one.  I received life lessons through mentors, counseling, and by reading books.

All of these things helped me to see how I could be better.  After dealing with the issue for a period of time, I would suddenly notice that the flaw that I was trying to overcome was suddenly in front of me in the form of a test.  I had a choice to make that I am sure came up many times before, but I missed it because I was blind to the mess I was in.  I noticed the test this time, and picked the right way and I immediately felt relief.  This is how I dealt with my anger, past pain, bad relationships, poor choices, and a host of other things that I dealt with and continue to deal with daily.

I truly want to be a better person tomorrow than I am today.  Although I have come a long way from the 20 year old college student that would pop off and show out, I still have much further to go.  I realize that many times we get entrenched in the “woe is me” mindset instead of being introspective. Look at yourself and see why things continue to go the way they are going. If you continue to go down the wrong side of the road once you reach that fork, you will never get out that destructive cycle.

It is very easy to see others mistakes and poor choices, but it is so hard to see our own. The time spent on the lives of others will be better spent on yourself. If you are stuck in a cycle of life that you cannot get out of, decide that you are ready to break free, pray and meditate, and look out for that fork in the road moment. The test will come, but you have to be prepared.

Break free. Be excellent. Change your life. Change your mind. Be you. Do you. Tell your own story. On your own terms.

Successful People Dream and Never Stop Dreaming

Before I moved, my husband and I spent the last few days prior to my departure looking at beautiful homes all over Houston.  Many of them were over $400,000, but they had everything that we ever wanted in a home.  My husband started to name the things that he wanted in a house and I just listened and smiled.  He would text me random listings or toys that he wanted when we finally moved into this futuristic new house.  Although I was equally excited about the move, I was apprehensive about drooling over new homes that we may not be able to afford.  These past few months had turn me into a practicalist and very rigid.  I had stopped dreaming and because I was not dreaming, I did not want him to dream either.

After a few days of this excited exchanges, I stopped him and said, “We aren’t going to be able to afford this anytime soon.”  The look on his face and sadness in my voice made me wish that I had never said those words.  I realized in that moment that I had stopped dreaming of the impossible and began existing only in my current reality.  That was why I was so depressed and stressed out.  I allowed my life to be driven by the right now instead of the what if.  I decided from that day forward that I would dream again and my entire atmosphere shifted.

Success is not living in today but working towards tomorrow. Dreaming keeps you from being so hard, callous, and stagnant.  From my own experience dreams do come true.  I am much happier now that I am dreaming again.  Our list of DREAMS are already turning into a reality.

Keep dreaming.  Dream about the impossible.  Write it down and watch you check it off your list.  Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.

Getting to Your Destiny

This week has shown me that I am where I am supposed to be.  I started my new job and met some amazing people, cared for some resilient patients, and sat across from remarkable families.  I am happy because there is so much room for growth and many opportunities to learn from my co-workers, patients, and the organization.  Despite me desperately wanting a job, I prayed and was very specific about what I wanted in my next position.  As I drove up to my job on the first day, I realized that all of my prayers had been answered.

Over the past few months I started to discuss how much I missed being involved in patient care.  I have so many great memories from my experiences with my patients and co-workers.  The camaraderie that comes with  trying to save a life every day is indescribable and life altering.  I loved the spontaneity of my day and being able to meet so many different people.  I do admit that the hospital environment was not perfect, and lacked much of the autonomy and respect that experienced nurses deserved.  So stepping into a position in which I have extreme amounts of autonomy, a self-set pace, and the flexibility that most desire is a direct gift from God.

There is no perfect place, position or person to work for or with.  All life gives are opportunities that you have to make the best of, learn from, and grow beyond.  As a true millennial, I desire to create my own parameters, my own lane, and make things better for the next generation.  I have accepted that I am here because I am supposed to be here, but I have not accepted this place as my final destination.  On the road to your destiny are growth points and tunnels that you have to go through to see the broader picture of things that have always been working together.  You have to believe that every lesson that you are learning is necessary for your future success.

Many times we become frustrated because we are not where we want to be, but if we reflect on our choices it is only because we were not ready.  The path to our destiny is not straight or free of any detours, bumps, or bridges.  We have to go through it all to appreciate our destination.

Be confident in your journey.  Stay the course.  Stay focused.  Stay encouraged.  Be you.  Do you.  Tell your own story.  On your own terms.