I spent my entire summer absorbed in my own mess and conflicted dilemmas. I stopped working on all of my projects to focus on studying for the Maryland Bar and barely took a moment to even think about anyone else and their feelings. I shut myself off from the rest of the world, because the only important thing to me at that moment was passing the Bar exam. Looking back on that time, I cannot decide if that was a right or wrong decision. I thought I was making the right decision at that time, but in hindsight I became someone who I never wanted to be; completely self-absorbed in myself.
From the end of May to the last week in July, I only had enough space in my head to think about myself. Honestly for the past 11 years, some of my family members feel as if I have only thought about myself. I went off to college and rarely came home. I spent more holidays and summers with friends instead of planning activities with my family. Coming home was always a chore and being there wasn’t always an enjoyable experience, so I kept it short and sweet. Although I did not think I was being selfish, some feel that way and today I can start to see why.
Being selfish is always looked at as a negative thing. It is viewed as a character flaw instead of a strength. After having a 2 hour-long conversation with one of my favorite cousins, she said to me, “I finally understand why you left here and never looked back. You have to be selfish sometimes to get where you want to be in life.” She gets it. Although she is my favorite cousin, we have not had the best relationship over the past few years. We always seemed to be on the same side of things until recently. Suddenly I was enemy number one and she became the voice that was going to bring me back to reality. She learned that I don’t allow those type of relationships to burden me and I silence voices that aren’t here to help or encourage.
During our last conversation she finally began to understand that being selfish is not a character flaw, but a calculated decision to be focused enough to get to the next level instead of being stagnated by the opinions of others. There are times in your life where being selfish is a form of survival. Many people give until they are empty and have nothing left for themselves. Being self-less can be a greater character flaw than being selfish. Your emptiness can be more detrimental than being fully focused on your goals and dreams.
I can finally admit that I am selfish. I can finally admit that I can be self-less at times, but I am mostly selfish. I am learning to accept that as an asset and not a flaw. I am doing what I think is best to be balanced, but you cannot always stop and explain to people why you do what you do, but most importantly you just have to know that what you are doing is in your best interest.
Right now I am in a self-less mode. I am trying to change the world. Literally. I am still working on my own personal ventures, but most of my energy is going to initiatives that are greater than just me and mines.
Being balanced is hard. It is truly a constant process. I am a work in progress. Pray for me on this journey. Be you. Do you. Tell your own story. On your own terms.