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May 3, 2014

Written Words: Worries from 2009

This flood has given me the opportunity to go through some old journals, letters, cards and notes I have written to myself or received from others.  The timing is amazing because graduation always brings on a spirit of reminiscing.  Despite some of the damage that the flood has done, it has also brought a level of healing and elevation that was unexpected.  One of the boxes that was unsalvageable contained my 2008 graduation gifts from my family.  One of the items was a personalized keepsake box that I put a few pictures in, a $1.00 bill, my cords, and a note that contained all of my worries.  I listed out my worries which included making my student loan payments, my family and my future.  But at the end of that letter, this is what I wrote:

” My prayer: God I pray that you take all of my worries and work them out for my good.  May your will be done in my life.  Help me to be all that you want me to be, walking in my purpose and destiny.  Thank you in advance. Amen.”

Everything that I worried about in 2009, God WORKED IT OUT.  I always orally expressed that I never wanted to get married but in my writings to myself it consistently appears.  Five years ago no one could have paid me to believe that I would be where I am today, still with worries but not the ones I had 5 years ago.  But I took my worries and gave them to God and He worked every single one of them out.

I hope this post inspires someone to take all of their burdens off of themselves and release it through writing or verbalizing and then look back a few days, months or years from now and see how it has been worked out FOR YOUR GOOD.  Be blessed.  Be you.  Do you.  Live in your truth.  Tell your story.  On your own terms.

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May 2, 2014

The Day My Faith Wavered

While I was in school there was always a lot going on personally, financially and spiritually.  I went through a period where I was completely broken.  My spirit was torn to shreds.  I felt that because I paid my tithes, I went to church every Sunday and sometimes during the week, I volunteered that I should be blessed.  It was a very dark time.  I was in a very dark place.  I felt that God did not love me because so much bad was happening to me and I could not serve a God who did not care for me like the word said He did.  Had He not punished me enough by being born to parents who weren’t there for me growing up, or allowing me to live with a father who was unstable in every aspect or by making me poor and have to struggle through school.  He could not possibly think that I needed to endure more to learn MORE lessons.

 I felt that I had learned enough already.  I had endured enough pain.  I wanted my story to change and for it to change at that moment.  So, one day during the this dark era I gave up on God.  Although I grew up in a home full of abuse and was isolated from my family for months or even years at a time, I had never given up on God, but right then I couldn’t deal and I decided  that I was done.  I had enough and I couldn’t take any of it anymore.  So for a few weeks I began to tell myself that God wasn’t real.  Things went from bad to worse.  So, I continued telling myself that God wasn’t real.  He couldn’t be real.  If He was real then He wouldn’t do this to me.  I started to throw myself a pity party and lean onto my own understanding.  I cried a lot.  I didn’t pray.  I didn’t process my pain or anger, I just let it well up inside and hoped that it would all go away.

Then one day, Greater Mt. Calvary was having a service and Pastor Marvin Winans was preaching.  It was June 20th, 2006 (I looked up the sermon on their website).  The sermon was titled, Let My Son Go.  I did not intend to go but the Holy Spirit drew me in that night.  I remember sitting there stoic with no expectation but just present.  Everything he said that night spoke to my situation, to my heart, to my spirit.  There was a demonic spirit on me that had to be called out and removed.  I realized that I had not given up on God but I had given up on myself.  And if I wanted to get out of this Hell I was going to have to be the one to change that.  That one word literally saved my life.  I am not sure how far deep I would have gone but I am glad that I did not find out.

Whatever religion you believe in or state of enlightenment you live in, you have to believe in yourself, take charge of your life and never give up.  I had to give up to learn that I CAN NEVER GIVE UP.  We are all going through something even on our happiest days.  Embrace this physical season change and make a spiritual change to be better, become greater and inspire others.  My charge on this blog is to share my truth.  The one I live. But I want you to also live in your truth and share your truth with other.  Be you. Do you. Tell your story. On your own terms.