I spent the last hour and a half having a dynamic conversation with some amazing women! We let our guard down and discussed the inner workings of a marriage and how we are dealing or have dealt with various issues in different stages of our relationship. It was powerful to hear things about each other that we did not know. It was powerful to hear how so much of our life has intersected at various points when we really didn’t even realize it. We were vulnerable and we helped ourselves through our words and helped each other. We went longer than I expected, but every moment was time well spent! Take a few moments to listen to various parts and share any feedback you may have! Marriage works, but it takes work.
I take a lot of risks. I just live. I think about something I want to do and I do it. I always pray about it, do a balancing test but in the end even if the good outweighs the bad 51% to 49%, I am going to go for it. Going to college was a risk. Taking a job in Baltimore while all of my friends were still in DC was a huge risk. Moving back to DC because I couldn’t take Baltimore anymore was an even bigger risk. Leaving my job to go back to law school…RISK!
Although these sound like calculated decisions, which in many ways they were, in many ways they were not. I have given all of my furniture away and slept on the floor of a family members house, slept in an empty apartment, went without cable and TV and much more because I am more risky than calculated.
Many times this decision has left me broke. Prior to law school, I always paid my bills on time and lived off what I had left. I worked ridiculous amounts of overtime so I could at least enjoy my weekends regardless of bills, but my risky decisions have left me in tears many nights, trying to figure out how I was going to pay for something I needed.
Surprisingly, I have never had to go without. I am the Queen (ask my Twnnie) of getting random checks in the mail. GOD PROVIDES. I have amazing friends who always come through in the clutchest of moments and now I have a supportive husband who is self-less and extremely humble. But I am still hard on myself for not being the perfect saver.
Through this apparent self-pity party I realized that despite all of my many risk, everything has always worked out. I received a grant for two years to pay for my undergrad loans. When I moved back to DC, I met amazing friends and expanded my support system. Law school was one of the best intellectual experiences I have ever experienced thus far. My options in life are limitless and this is just the beginning.
I really am writing this post to remind myself that everything has always worked out. That these anxiety attacks are the work of the enemy because there is something greater to come. One day I will be in a position to help little girls like me and more importantly, I possess more in life than money can buy.
I want to be that person who has the suggested amount of savings, can lend people money without ever needing it back, and can live without ever being broke. At this point, I know it will take time, patience, and a financial adviser (one is already on speed dial). But I am happy, I am blessed, I have no regrets and I have done everything in life that I have ever wanted to do and will continue to take risks in the future.
Don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t focus on your imperfections. If you were perfect you wouldn’t need God, your friends or anyone else. It takes time to build an empire and your steps are ordered. See the past 27 years of your life (insert your age for mine). Be you. Do you. Tell your story. On your own terms.