Who I was when I began this blog is not who I am today. Over the past year I have transformed into someone I never knew existed or would have believed existed. The transformation that has taken over my life is indescribable. I thank God daily for my struggles and my triumphs, because all of it has created this cosmic energy of compassion and love. I do not do any of this for others, but for a greater purpose that I am only beginning to understand.
I have been through some very high highs and some very low lows. I have been blessed to be able to process and absorb so many lessons, because I am not ashamed of my circumstances or hiding behind who people think I am or who they want me to be. I convey my shortcomings and downfalls with very little to buffer the reality. I am a constant work in progress and I hope that people are bold enough to love me for me and foster my growth through this process. I love me so much that no external dislike towards me or my journey can fill any space in my life. There is no room for negativity.
I am not where I want to be, but I have a vision. I move with a purpose, for a purpose, and on purpose. I have spent this Lenten season focused on my energy and understanding the process of attracting what I want and need in life. I am careful about who I allow in my presence, because it is important to maintain a certain level of energy in the work I do daily. Keep watching because I will not stop until I have completed my assignments.
Be Excellent.Be you. Do you. Tell you own story. On your own terms.
I spent the last hour and a half having a dynamic conversation with some amazing women! We let our guard down and discussed the inner workings of a marriage and how we are dealing or have dealt with various issues in different stages of our relationship. It was powerful to hear things about each other that we did not know. It was powerful to hear how so much of our life has intersected at various points when we really didn’t even realize it. We were vulnerable and we helped ourselves through our words and helped each other. We went longer than I expected, but every moment was time well spent! Take a few moments to listen to various parts and share any feedback you may have! Marriage works, but it takes work.
I thought I knew what love was. I do not even know what I thought, but I thought I knew something at every point of my life when I proclaimed to love someone. As the years go by and I evolve each day, I realize that I know nothing about love and I have so much yet to learn. Learning what love is and how to love is key to maintaining long-lasting relationships that surpass distance and time.
I have friends that I have known for years who are all very different, yet our relationships have withstood distance and time because we love each other. Many of them were my first friends in college and we never let go of each others hands as we walked along our separate journeys. Because we have been friends for so long, we eventually learned AND accepted how each person wanted or needed to be loved.
Some people need to be told that they are loved often, some people need that intimate connection, while others know the genuineness of your bond, and the only thing that matters is that you are present when needed. Although we enter into intimate relationships with this knowledge, we make the road difficult by expecting love to be present and automatic. Love is not a feeling, but the bond that is built between two people.
Looking back on my long-term friendships, I see that we did not love each other in the beginning like we love each other now. We learned how each person wanted to be loved and learned to respect that persons love language over time. As a wife I am learning that how I loved my husband year 1 may not be how my husband needs to be loved in year 4. The most important thing is to allow your love to be fluid and encompass your partners current needs, instead of simply loving the same way because that is all you know.
Change is uncomfortable, but it is necessary for growth. I am learning so much and accepting that I have so much to learn. I won’t be the same person tomorrow as I was yesterday, because I am progressing in every area of my life, including learning how to love.
Love is our superpower. Be you. Do you. Tell your own story. On your own terms.
When you are not settled and going through so many changes, it is hard to focus and blog. I have started so many blog posts and had so many ideas, but I can’t find my flow or the rights words to finish them. My best blogs have popped up in my head and flew off of my fingers, so I am slow to post ones that take a lot of energy to complete. I am in a transitory period and I am not in touch with my balanced and centered self. My heart is South Carolina with grandma and my soul is in Maryland holding down the fort. The most important pieces of me are not close and that leaves me feeling very imbalanced.
This adjustment period was necessary and would have been so much harder with my son. I needed the time and energy to make good decisions and to find a rhythm. My son won’t be coming into chaos but a mom who is settled in at work, settled into a new apartment, and has set up his new educational experience at a center close to our house. I hate that I cannot see my little boy and I miss him terribly, but these past few months have shown me how much he needs consistency.
I want to blog when my heart is totally in it and I can relay the message that I know is needed. I do not have a quota to fill so I am going to focus on quality and not quantity. When something hits me and I can put out a few hundred words I will, but bear with me until I get the pieces of me back together! I am learning so much about myself and my purpose and I cannot wait to share the lessons that have been revealed to me over this rough summer, after making a huge move, and after seeing my failing bar results. I have grown more in the past month than I have in the past year! 2014 has been rough but I will not let any of it be in vain.
Do not force your greatness. Do not pre-release your wisdom. Let your lessons be a natural light. Be you. Do you. Tell your own story. On your own terms.
Society wants to dictate to you what you can have. They throw statistics around without any context and run anecdotal stories filled with extreme examples of people who are forced to choose or those who quit before they accomplished their goals. I am a living witness on how prayer, determination and hard work will guide you through and to your destiny. When you have to weigh your options, quit now or keep pushing through the pain, you realize that you really don’t have a choice. If you quit right now you won’t be happy and will end up further behind than you would have been if you kept pushing through.
Before I had my baby, I dreaded going back to school. I knew that physically I was going to be challenged and I did not have everything in place as I had expected. I am a control freak and very type A. I needed a tangible plan with back up plans in place. That was not happening. I cried and cried and begged Adam to let me quit but he said the same thing every time, “You have come too far to quit.” I knew he had my back but the unwavering support I received from my classmates, friends and local family was unforeseen. Everyone rolled up their sleeves and sacrificed their time at various points over the past two years to help me get through. My co-worker who had just retired watched baby Adam for the first few weeks for free. The days she couldn’t watch him, my classmates allowed me to bring him to class or watched him for me on their breaks. My co-worker was scheduled to watch him for six weeks but as the weeks passed by, I had no idea of who was going to watch my son permanently.
As life would have it, I ran into a classmate walking down the street and she suggested I ask another one of our classmates. Through her I was able to find an amazing sitter who has taken care of my son since he was 3 months old. When I leave my son with her, I never have to worry if he is being cared for. I am always exhausted, always running, always busy and my schedule is hectic but it was all worth it. My son survived. My marriage survived. My personal finances are a little tattered but I am great at getting things in order, so I will fix them. But most importantly I survived and achieved what I set out to get done. I could not have planned for all of these things to have worked together. They did because I was where I was supposed to be.
Bottom line. Never stop dreaming. Never stop believing. When it gets hard keep pushing through the pain. Ask for help when you need it. You are stronger than you even know. Don’t let expected or unexpected obstacles overshadow your purpose. Don’t ever quit. God will provide. The universe knows what you need. Live in your truth. Be you. Tell your story. On your own terms.
My husband and I have been married for over a year and a half and been together for over three and a half years. I try to calculate how long we have been together over and over because it seems like so much longer. I think that we both knew immediately that this was going to be forever. Our “how we met” stories vary but our immediate attraction and chemistry has always been undisputed. When we found out that we were expecting, it was a bit of a shock and took some time to adjust to but we both stepped up to the plate and decided to be the best parents we could be for our son. We had always talked about being married and I expressed that I wanted to be married before our son was born, but I did not know if that was really going to happen. Adam, being the man that he is, heard me and decided that we should be more than just boyfriend/girlfriend sooner than later.
He planned out a beautiful engagement which I of course shared with everyone via social media and we personally discussed our plans to marry. Once we started to discuss getting married before the baby with our friends and family, we began to get a push back that we did not expect. Our family and friends were rightfully concerned with our timeline and voiced their opinions to us. When we discussed the push back and concerns with each other, we decided that we knew what was best for our family, so we decided to move forward with our plans quietly.
I was working for a judge that summer and shyly asked if she could marry us. She responded enthusiastically and we planned for a late summer union. We did not pick a date or publicize our wedding but our close friends were aware and a few decided that they had to be present. I wanted to keep it as simple and quiet as possible. I could not take much more excitement on top of being 8 months pregnant in the summer, new homeowners and now a newlywed. After the ceremony, we had a small reception with the law clerks, my judge, her assistant and my friends. Adam and I ventured to a far off land to indulge in breakfast at Cracker Barrel and continue with our regularly scheduled lives.
A friend that was present asked if I wanted to share the photos and I decided that I wanted to keep it quiet for a little while. I did not want the negative commentary from anyone or have to explain why we decided to make that leap into foreverdom at that moment. I was scarred from sharing my pregnancy news with some and receiving unsolicited advice that was contrary to a decision that I had already made. I could not take the emotional stress of people’s judgment so I decided to keep it under wraps. Some of the apprehension was the shock of being married but a lot of it was enjoying the peace of only a few people knowing. When I started to refer to Adam as my husband, people began to ask questions. I was always honest but I never addressed the issue across the board. One day I decided to change my Facebook marital status (sounds silly saying it out loud). A lot of people were shocked but most were congratulatory and seemingly genuine. Despite sharing the news, I still never shared a picture. So today, as I decided to be vulnerable and share my entire truth through my new blog, I decided today was a perfect time.
I am so happy with our decision. It was the best decision we could have made and although that first year was rough, we are growing individually, as parents and as husband and wife. This entire post is really a message to myself to live in my truth always and not retreat because of the fear of others opinions. Be blessed. Be You. Tell your story.
Always pray together and things will be smoother. Now is the test of your love and friendship will be strengthened because its no more me or I but we or us. Be each others best friend and talk to each other not at each other. Prayer works before any conference. Be encouraged and love each other.